As a Norse educator with nearly 30 years of life experience, and a Scandinavian, I am well aware that Iron Age, and Viking Era Scandinavia was home to the greatest civilization the world has ever seen. You don't need to tell me, I'm here to tell you, that the 6th century Byzantine historian Jordanes hit the nail right on the head when he described Scandinavia as, and I quote, the womb of nations. I dare even say this womb doubled as a cradle to all civilizations, who, like all children, are misguided ingrates. This is certainly more than what we can say in terms of contributions from, say, the Mediterranean (what a shithole), to not even speak of the near East.
Of course, like all true aristocrats of the soul, the denizens of my ancestral lands were famed for their impeccable style. It should suprise nobody, for they were forward thinking pagans all, who lived and died with honor, unheard of among the unwashed dunces of Christian nations. Your god was nailed to the cross? Well mine has a hammer, just saying ;)
Iconography harvested from a wide range of Ancient Origins suggests that Vikings and their (and mine) ancestors mastered, not only sailing, but also the noble craft of cutting hair. This proves beyond the shadow of a doubt what the Vatican has been trying to hide for a thousand years: That Vikings were the most technologically (and aesthetically) advanced culture the world has ever seen. Other Viking innovations include interstellar travel (some say our gods came from space), total equality of the sexes, and social democracy, but that's a digression.
Today we shall look at how they used their supreme seafaring skills to impress and outcompete the fashions of every people they encountered, as demonstrated in five hairstyles. Prepare to be inspired!
1. The Golden Boy Curtained Bowl Cut
15 square millimeters of pure heartthrob. These gullgubber sport a timeless curtained mushroom bowl cut that is sure to singe the loins of even the iciest chieftain's daughter. Don't forget to ask her father's permission, and be on the watch! With that smooth chin, not even he might be able to resist your boyish charm. Just don't find yourself on the receiving end of any tomfoolery, because that would be unmanly. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Though not as prevalant today, this ancient hairdo can still be seen on the noggins of Joe & The Juice employees, Korean stage performers, and Australian backpackers the world over.
2. The Berserker Flattop
Swept off the cliff like a Faeroese toddler, this dude hails from the isle of Bornholm, mustard capitol of the North. Usually these gold foils are portrayed in profile, but that would hardly give credit to his chiseled bog iron frame, no sir, this bad boy is depicted en face (as in: en your face).
This hairdo offers ample servings of absolutely no fucks given, suggestive of a personality prone to swinging roundhouse kicks at the longhouse wall, continuously flexing and/or kissing his magnificent biceps, all the while crunching drinking horn after drinking horn with his free hand while he takes your mom's maiden name. Hung like Odin on the windy tree, this dude would look just as home harrassing an Estonian fishing village as he would lifting truck tires in the woods.
3. The Norman Yoke
The hairdo that destroyed Anglo-Saxon England! You may think it is a stretch to include the Bayeux Tapestry on the list, but you're wrong. The relevancy of the Bayeux tapestry is absolutely non-negotiable. This horse-like fringe is one of Norse culture's greatest contributions to continental society, as proven by its adoption by the Norman elites, as well as contemporary Dutch gabber culture. It takes some self-esteem to pull off this look, and that, my friends, will get the knees to buckle and quiver on your enemies and lovers alike.
Sure, your dad might not approve, but don't worry, neither did countless Anglo-Saxon parents either, as the scribe Ælfric wrote around the year 1000: «I also say to you, brother Edward, now that you have asked me for this, that you do wrong in that you abandon the English customs which your fathers observed and love the customs of the heathen people who did not give life to you and by doing so you reveal that you despise your kindred and your ancestors by such evil customs when you dress in insult to them in Danish fashion, with bared necks and blinded eyes.»
So let there be no question of the ancient roots, and provenance of this equine haircut. Let it also stand as the final answer to the question of whether or not the vikings got high, because judging from this, they must have been raving and pillaging every drug cabinet between Dorestad and al-Andalus.
4. The West Fold
It is famous and true that North America was discovered by Norse exiles, but few are aware that they were actually just trying to find avocado toast. Oseberg or Williamsburg, I can't tell the difference. Besides, we can thank Brooklyn for finding the Oseberg ship in the first place, and its residents are as unwanted in their homeland as the original Norse settlers were. Exactly how deep does this rabbithole go? Either way, the west fold cut in any variation is only complete with a thin, neatly kept mustache in the style of the Trønder-tribe in Middle Norway. This is my style at the time of writing, and I can only conclude that Norway should contest the USA's territorial claim on this bank of the East River.
5. The Heathen Visionary
Last but not least: Always be yourself, even if you are a total nutter. No matter how you style yourself, Norse culture valued total individualism, second only to the value they put on total submission to one's extended family. Admittedly, this overtly casual style requires the least maintenance and preparation, but it will certainly give you a characteristic, sage-like look without trying to impress anybody. Whether you are chucking hoarded gold in the swamp to save yourself from the Justinian plague, pondering the endless intellectual depth of neanderthals (the only race that could ever compete with the Norse), sitting in a cave while you pray for nuclear strikes to decimate the global population, or any other and equally noble pursuit, a full beard and greasy hair is sure to earn you friends according to the principle of quality over quantity. If they can't handle you at your worst, they don't deserve you at your best!
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